Game of Thrones: The Night Lands
Last week, we met Stannis, who has god on his side (plus a lady in red), watched Tyrion settle into King's Landing, and realized along with Daenerys that dragons are cool but not enormously useful if they're the size of chickens.
This week, we watch as characters across Westeros (and beyond) put their well-thought-out plans into place -- and almost immediately see them go awry. Even Joffrey -- who, happily, is off-screen this week -- tries to rid the land of his (not) father's bastards, but fails to do so.
As we soar through the sky over Westeros in what might be the most awesome TV title sequence ever, we find a new location on the map: the island of Pyke, bisected by a line of narrow stone towers that cachunk into place with flimsy little bridges linking them.
We open with Arya, looking pensively at a stream in the forest....no, wait, make that peeing pensively in a stream in the forest, away from all the other Night Watch recruits. I guess that's the hard part of posing as a boy on a camping trip.
As Arya heads back to the group, she passes a wagon toppped by a cage, a kind of mobile jail cell holding three men. One of them -- he introduces himself as Jaqen H'ghar -- tries to get her to bring him water, but freaks her out by speaking in a bizarre third-person passive voice:
"A man has a thirst. A man does not drink for a day and a night. A boy could make a friend."
A girl could get creeped out. Arya does, especially after the other cellmates start screaming threats. Gendry walks by and tells Arya to leave the prisoners alone. They're about to get into a good fight over it -- Gendry is clearly filling the Jon Snow-shaped hole in Arya's life -- when a couple of King's Landing beat cops, the gold cloaks, ride up demanding Yoren turn over one of his "gutter rats." Arya dives for cover under a tree branch or something equally useless, confounding Gendry by claiming the gold cloaks must be after her.
She figured without Yoren, though -- whose really a useful guy to have around. First he saved Arya from a crowd bellowing for her father's head, and now he acts friendly until he slips a dagger -- so sharp he could "shave a spider's arse" with it, he says -- underneath the gold cloak's, ahem, man parts. The gold cloak is forced to turn back, but not before annoucning to the group that he's looking for a kid named Gendry with a bull's-head helmet. The soldiers ride off -- and everyone turns to stare at Gendry.
Meanwhile, in King's Landing, Tyrion whistles into his room to find Varys chatting with Shae. Yes! The meeting of the minds I've been waiting for since Tyrion arrived in King's Landing. This should be good. Except, strangely, it's not. Varys congratulates Tyrion on "your bravery in the victory against the Stark auxiliary forces...I heard you suffered a terrible wound." "It almost beggars belief" that Tyrion found Shae in her father's kitchen, he adds. And by the way, Varys knows that Papa Lannister told Tyrion not to bring his girlfriend to the city. Not to worry, though: "I am very good at keeping secrets for my good friends."
Here's the funny bit: The two wittiest, most equivocal speakers in the series meet each other and suddenly, it's all about getting right down to brass tacks. Varys threatens to rat out Shae to Papa L. Tryion tells Varys not to threaten him, he's not Ned Stark. Varys says Ned was an honorable man.
Tyrion: "And I am not. Threaten me again and I'll have you thrown into the sea." Varys says he can swim, thanks. And here I was expecting Noel Coward with those two in the same room. Oh well.
Off they go to see Cersei, who's reading Robb's peace terms letter. Which she tears up -- just like King Robert's deathbed letter appointing Ned regent. "You've perfected the art of tearing up papers," Tyrion observes.
Really Old Guy has a message from Castle Black, saying there's trouble beyond the wall. (Hey, wasn't that sent via Ser Allister, the one who tormented Jon Snow? With a zombie hand for proof? Did he get lost along the way?) "Trouble with the wildlings."
Baelish: "That's why they're called wildlings."
Old Guy also reports what Mormont has learned about Mance Rayder setting himself up as King Beyond the Wall.
Cersei: "Another king? How many is that now, five? I've lost count." You're not the only one, sister.
Tyrion says the Night Watch reports zombies, and that Mormont doesn't lie, but Cersei mocks him for believing in "grumpkins and snarks." (Which was one of my favorite turns of phrase the first time the show used it; now they've used it so much it's annoying.) She's sure the brave men of the Night's Watch will protect them all
If she could see them right now, she might not be. As we catch up with the brave men of the Night's Watch, they are discussing whether or not you fart when you die. Sam interrups that it "seems a bit greedy" of Craster to take so many wives. "We were having a serious discussion" says Fart Guy.
One of Craster's daughter/wives shrieks as Ghost, Jon's direwolf, sidles up to her; Ghost's ears come up to her chin. Sam comes to her rescue by shooing Ghost away. "You've very brave," she says to Sam, who has clearly never heard such words before.
Next thing you know, Sam brings the girl -- "Gilly, one of Craster's (long pause) daughters" -- to Jon, and says she's pregnant and that they have to take her away. We know that Craster marries all his daughters but "if it's a boy..." she says, and stops. Jon pushes her to explain and she runs. Jon berates Sam for trying to steal one of Craster's women. (Sam: "I can't steal her...she's a person, not a goat." Sam is clearly a refugee from a much more progressive universe.) Plus, who's going to deliver her baby, Jon wants to know.
Sam: "I could try. I read about it. A bit."
From freezing cold to baking heat....we're with Daenerys' crew, who are lying around barely breathing, when Jorah sees something trotting toward them. It's a horse with red striped all over it, painted in thick stripes. It's riderless....or almost. From a saddlebag, Jorah pulls...a human head. With it's hair snipped off. (Because, remember, the Dothraki cut the hair of those who lose battles, hence the undefeated Khal Drogo's massive braid.) This must be one of the riders Daenerys sent out on a fact finding mission. One of the It Is Known girls sees the head and shrieks that "He can never join his ancestors in the night lands." Her wailing echoes across the vast, empty desert.
And we're on a ship, with Theon, looking at Pyke's giant towers sticking out of the water. He goes below to what turns out to be the ship's captain's cabin, where what turns out to be the captain's teenage daughter is waiting, unglamorously naked on a bed.
Theon strips and sets about unceremoniously schtupping the girl. Well, not entirely unceremoniously: "Try smiling with your lips closed," he tells the poor girl, who's less than lovely. In the most ungainly example of sexposition yet, Theon uses their encounter to tell us how Pyke is his homeland, he's the only living son of the ruler there, everyone's waiting for his return -- oh, and yeah, everyone from the island of Pyke is a superduper stud in bed. The captain's daughter pathetically agrees, but then she is only twelve.
Elsewhere, a much more lovely girl is servicing a man as Baelish watches through a spy hole in one of his bordellos. He hears a disturbance...a whore runs away crying, leaving a customer complaining. Baelish swiftly sets up the customer with a new girl, and goes after the weeper. I think it is Roz from Winterfell, or what's become of her. She's weeping over her colleague's baby who was butchered at the end of last week. "That was badly handled...sometimes those with the most power have the least grace," Baelish murmurs.
Indeed. Then he tells Roz that an unhappy whore is a bad investment for Baelish, and if she doesn't cheer up and fast he'll recoup his losses by selling her off to a special client who will "use her in ways that wouldn't occur to most men. And you know what occurs to most men." If I ever found Baelish appealling, that's over.
Elsewhere in King's Landing, Tyrion is taking care of business in an equally abrupt manner: He hosts Lord Janus to an elaborate dinner -- and then has him carted away as a Night's Watch volunteer. "You betrayed the last Hand of the King, I just wouldn't feel safe with you lurking about," he says. Bronn's the new captain of the city guard.
Bronn and Tryion sit down to the interrupted dinner. Tyrion: "If I told you to murder an infant girl, say, at her mother's breast, would you do it without question?" Bronn: "Without question? No. I'd ask how much."
(Only on "Game of Thrones" does the guy who would only commit infanticide for the right price count as a good guy. If this were the kind of show that had good guys and bad guys -- which, of course, it isn't.)
Back in the forest, Arya asks Gendry why the gold cloaks want him. When he says he doesn't know, she calls him a liar.
"You shouldn't insult people bigger than you," he says.
"Then I wouldn't get to insult anyone," Arya replies.
Gendry, it turns out, doesn't know, but he knows that both the last hand of the king and the one before that asked him questions about his mother, just before they died. "Asking me questions is bad luck, you'll probably be dead soon," he grumps. Then he asks Arya why she thought the gold cloaks were after her: "Did you kill someone or is it just because you're a girl?"
Arys blusters but in the ends she tells Gendry all: She is Arya Stark, Yoren's sneaking her home to Winterfell. Gendry doesn't care that she's a girl, but he's horrified that she's a gentlewoman. "I've been (peeing) in front of you and everything!"
Back to Pyke. Theon jumps off the board and announces himself to a disinterested crowd of one toothless old man as the "heir of the Iron Islands." No reaction. He has to hitch a ride ot the castle with a woman in tight-fitting trousers and tunic, who at least recognizes him. "Do you think I offer free rides ot every man in jewelry, Lord Greyjoy?" she asks. (Theon is resplendently dressed, which doesn't seem to be the norm here.)
They ride -- him in back -- across some pretty spectacular scenery, beeches littered with rocks under a steely sky. Anyone know where they shot this bit? Theon can't keep his hands off his driver, and orders her as her future king to spend the night in the castle with him. It'll be something she can tell her grandchildren about. "I don't imagine it'll be a story fit for children" she says, as he does his best to remove her tunic on the hoof.
Inside the castle, the most impressive thing is not Theo's dad, Balon, who doesn't bother to turn around for a while, but the giant squid mantlepiece above his fire.
Balon is less than thrilled to have his son back. He calls Theon a girl for wearing such pretty stuff. He asks if Theon paid the "iron price" for his finery -- as opposed to the gold price. Which is to say, did he take it from a guy he killed, or did he buy it? (Interesting economy they've got here. Must be a damper on retail.) When Theon admits he bought it, Balon rips it off him. Theon gives his father Robb's offer, which does not go over well. Theon's trying to sell it, saying he'll lead the Greyjoy ships into battle himself. Oh, yeah? his father says. Who else could? asks Theon -- and in walks the girl who gave Theon his ride up to he castle. She strides right in, walking right past Theon as he yelps that she was told to stay outside, and how did she get past the guard anyway?
"Anything with a c*** is easy to fool," she snarks, walking up to Balon, who swings an arm around her shoulders and grins at Theon.
Ta da! This is Theon's much cooler sister, Yara. Who's been captaining ships and leading battles and generally taking on the role of eldest son. Yara and Balon do a funky little arm salute and mutter "What's dead shall never die" when talking about Theon's murdered brothers -- which Theon copies, one guilty beat behind them.
At any rate, Balon has no real use for Theon. Or for Robb Stark's offer.
"No man gives me a crown. I pay the iron price. I will take my crown," he says, throwing Robb's letter into fire.
"You won't stand a chance against the Lannisters," Theon says.
"Who said anything about the Lannisters?" Balon asks. Oh, really?
Onto another island, Dragonstone, where Davos Seaworth is pushing hard to recruit a pirate to Stannis' cause. They talk about winning money and glory at the sack of King's Landing -- and the pirate says his name is a good one for songs of glory: Salad Or Sandwich, I swear, is what it sounds like he says his name is. Honestly, I don't want to know what it "really" is, Salad or Sandwich he is to me to the end of the chapter.. Anyway, Salad says he's in if he can have Cersei as part of his booty. Also with them is Davos' son, who's a devout recruit of the Red Lady's One True God, which he awkwardly works into conversation.
"Everywhere I go, people tell me about god....the one true god is what's between a woman's legs," Salad Or Sandwich says, before marching off, taking his amazing giant two-handled sword with him.
Davos tells his devout son that Stannis is his god, for making him a lord and giving his family everything they have.
Back to King's Landing, where Tyrion is having another meeting over wine, and this one's not going quite as well. He's grilling Cersei about the killing of Robert's many young bastards that we saw last week -- only to realize, mid-interogation, that Cersei didn't give that order. Joffrey did. Cersei defends the action, though.
"This is what ruling is, lying on a bed of weeds, ripping them out one by one before they strangle you in your sleep," she says.
Since Cersei is clearly in a good mood already, Tyrion moves on to talking about Jaime, and Stannis' claim that Joffrey and the rest of the royal brood are the result of her dalliance with her brother. He says it jokingly, but Cersei comes back at him with her claws out. In her ice-queen way, of course.
"You're funny. Always were. But none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they?" she asks. Their mother died in childbirth when Tyrion was born.
"Mother gone...for the sake of you. There's no bigger joke in the world than that." Cersei says, leaving.
Back at Dragonstone, Davos is adding Salad or Sandwich's thirty ships to the three-dimensional, topographical map of Westeros in Stannis' war room. Stannis walks in with Red Dress, hears about his new recruits, then tells Davos to skedaddle.
Stannis grumps that his baby brother has 100,000 men, stolen from Stannis. Red Dress says he'll win the crown, he just has to give himself to the Lord of Light. Stannis thinks he has already. But "you must give all of yourself," Red Dress says -- while removing her red dress, right there in the council chamber.
Stannis says he has a wife, but No Dress points out his wife has given him no sons. She promises him a son, and that does it --Stannis hoists her up onto the map and goes to it.
This is shot and scored like it wants to be sexy and mystical, what with priestess lady spread-eagled across the country. Unfortunately, all I can think of is how godawful uncomfortable that's got to be. It's a topographical map, people. There are a lot of mountains. The little ships and soldiers fall off it as they make babies.
Back north of the wall. It's night, but Jon's awake. He hears something out int he forest...so, naturally,he hares off after it all by himself.
He sees Craster walk off with a baby in his arms, then walk back with no baby. The child screams and Jon takes off towards it. Jon's got his sword out, but then he sees a figure pick up the baby gently in it's arms. He's too far away to tell who picked up the baby -- or what -- but it was roughly human-shaped.
Jon hears a crunch behind him. He turns to see....Craster, of course. Who coldcocks him. Cut to credits.
So -- some mysteries introduced here: If Balon Greyjoy isn't bent on attacking King's Landing to gain his crown, then where's he going? How exactly is Red Dress going to win Stannis a crown with nothing but a sexy bod and some prayers, when Renly has a gigantic army? Is Tyrion not-Ned-Stark enough to survive in a King's Landing populated by the likes of Varys and Baelish?
And, of course -- what IS Craster doing with his sons?
PREVIOUS 'GAME OF THRONES' SEASON TWO RECAPS:
• Episode 1: The North Remembers
'GAME OF THRONES' SEASON ONE RECAPS:
• Episode 1: Winter is Coming
• Episode 2: The Kingsroad
• Episode 3: Jon Snow
• Episode 4: Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things
• Episode 5: The Wolf and The Lion
• Episode 6: A Golden Crown
• Episode 7: You Win or You Die
• Episode 8: The Pointy End
• Episode 9: Baelor
• 'Game of Thrones' finale recap: Blood and Fire -- The end of the beginning
This entry passed through the Full-Text RSS service — if this is your content and you're reading it on someone else's site, please read the FAQ at fivefilters.org/content-only/faq.php#publishers. Five Filters recommends: Donate to Wikileaks.
0 意見:
Post a Comment